I eat ur brane kthnx
by Duchess of Inkling
Summary: Our golden boys, Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy, work together to execute the greatest plan ever made to take over the world while in the service of Lord Voldemort. As always, rather politically incorrect, but rather entertaining, in my superior opinion.
1. Chapter 1: They Do The Rock

(A/N: This story is an action comedy, meant primarily to entertain. All actions, adventures and dialogue are meant mainly as light amusement and a humorous look on the past, not as a serious explanation or a likely series of events. Explorations of characters are also mainly meant to amuse, and occasionally as mild mockery, not as true insights into minds. Therefore, some may occasionally appear out of character, but this was done only for comedic purposes. Similarly, any anachronisms are there for your smiley times. WARNING: This story contains hints at slash (they're very subtle, though, do not fret), at substance abuse, and various other corrupted practises. But that's to be expected in a story about Death Eaters, n'est- ce pas? So if you are a) a wimp b) someone who believes in morality c) an American Puritan, do not waste your time reading this- besides, I do not want your kind in my audience. To all other little bundles of charm: enjoy. Sincerely, The Duchess.)  
  
**Chapter 1: They Do The Rock  
**  
It was a damp, pleasantly cool spring morning in the 80s. While in the world's metropoles women were wearing power suits, yuppies went on murdering rampages, and in the top of a tall tower a group of people were being held hostage by an attractive German, a tall, gangly man with lanky black hair lifted the lid off a large cauldron, which hovered simmering over a soft fire, and narrowed his eyes at the pale green content. Humming to himself in a dark voice, he took a large spoon and let it descend gently into the cauldron. The green mass in it was already solidifying, and quickly, too, judging from the fact that, however hard he pulled, he couldn't get the spoon out again. Swearing, he hoped that wood was not going to neutralise the whole thing. He had people to cater to. Or rather, to sell the stuff to.  
  
"Accio spoon!" he said, holding out his hand. The spoon jerked a bit, but couldn't wrestle free. So much for that plan, he thought, as he watched the spoon sink to its untimely demise. Well, I suppose I should be grateful I can borrow Lucius Malfoy's license for buying in bulk. And then, something odd happened. Sparks started to fly from the surface of the potion, and it began to bubble slightly. Quickly, the man grabbed his notebook and quill and scribbled down what had happened. Added: One wooden spoon, submerged, signs of boiling. Or something. It had to be concise, he had to keep an eye on what was happening as he wrote. As it appeared to boil, the liquid seemed to evaporate completely from the substance, and it was crystallising at the edges, into small, half-transparent white grains.  
  
How very odd, he thought, as he stood gaping at it. It was just a wooden spoon, and this happens. After a while, the whole thing had crystallised. It just stood there, half a cauldron full of white crystals. I wonder what it does, he thought, feeling faintly excited at the prospect of inventing an entirely new magical substance. He had never seen anything like it, and as he leafed through volume after volume of rare potions books, he grew more and more certain of the fact that it was indeed something new. He tried to think of someone he might consult on the subject, but the more he thought, the more affirmed he was in the conclusion that he did not know anybody more knowledgeable than himself. At least, no-one who was still alive.  
  
As he slammed his very last book shut, he looked through the small window high in the wall, and saw that the sun was high and red gold. He had spent the whole day doing research. Thinking, he traced his mouth with a finger, deciding that the proper thing to do now was to test it. So he grabbed a jar that had several large spiders in it, used his only other remaining spoon to get some of the grains from the cauldron, and dumped them into the jar as quick as he could, not wishing to have the spoon eaten away. Shutting the jar, he peered at the spiders, but nothing was happening. Yet. Sighing, he put the jar back on the shelf, then levitated the cauldron onto his desk and used a large glass bell to cover it, so none of it could go missing and inflict damage, and then sauntered off for dinner.  
  
The next day, he rushed through dressing himself and breakfast so he could see if anything had happened to the spiders. He practically ran into his laboratory, and grabbed the jar. The spiders were simply sitting there, half covered in white powder, doing apparently normal spidery things. Blast it, he thought, and fired a few spells at the spiders to see if anything had changed, but they were just spiders. Hm. Maybe it had to be ingested to work? It seemed like a plausible notion, so he immediately sent out an elf for some mice and in the meantime integrated some of the powder into a few bits of cheese, which he threw into the cage directly after the mice had arrived. He stood gazing intently at the nibbling mice, sure that something was bound to happen now. And something did. Around ten minutes after the mice had finished the cheese, they started to act quite oddly. They seemed to lose nearly all interest in mousey things like running around and chewing on things and digging holes. They just stood still, staring into space, their black eyes not bright and quick, but dull, or slowly dragging themselves around, bumping into things and each other, or spending ages sniffing their food, before doing what their instincts told them to. All in all, it was very strange behaviour. The man stood next to the cage, eagerly making notes of what was happening. If I didn't know any better, he thought, I'd say they had turned.....stupid. But that's nonsense. When, after a few hours their condition hadn't changed, he walked towards the fireplace, lit a fire, and threw into it a handful of grey powder. "Lucius," he said, "I need a guinea pig."  
  
In the middle of the night, he was awoken by something crashing around in his living room. Cursing angrily (and sleepily) and hoping it was who he thought it was, he slipped on a huge, slightly frayed black dressing gown and stormed down the stairs as fast as his slumbering legs could carry him, to a very unusual sight indeed. A man in long black robes with extremely mussed blond hair was dragging a seemingly unconscious girl into the room, who was quietly garbling nonsense to herself.  
  
"Lucius!" The first man cried, smirking contently, "Not wasted any time, I see."  
  
"Hello Severus," Lucius said, "Give me a hand, will you?" Together, they had to drag the girl down the stairs, into the laboratory, manually, because any spells they used might affect the test results. They put her on the only chair, a large, wobbly office chair, where she lay slumped, her head lolling to one side, her eyes half-open, still ranting to herself. Severus stood leering down at her, his arms folded over his chest.  
  
"Nice work." He said. "Where did you find her?"  
  
"London nightclub." answered Lucius. "Singer of some dreadful muggle band. I pretended to be David Bowie and offered her some free drugs. Since she was half out of her mind anyway, it wasn't very hard to do." He started to carefully smooth down his hair with one hand. "My hair looks awful now, though." Severus snorted amusedly at that remark.  
  
"Well, I hope there isn't too much rubbish in her bloodstream, we need to test this." He gestured towards the cauldron, still on his desk. Lucius bent towards it, studying it closely.  
  
"What is it?" he said. "It doesn't even look familiar."  
  
"Not the faintest idea what it is." Severus replied, walking toward his cage of mice. "I tested it on these mice, and look what happened." Lucius glanced into the cage full of stumbling, glassy eyed mice.  
  
"Well, if I didn't know any better, I'd say they were acting rather........stupidly." he said, narrowing his cold grey eyes at the rodents.  
  
"Exactly what I was thinking. Also, it seemed to me that whatever the effect of the substance, it may be different in a human, as well as possibly more easily expressed. Because if it really makes you stupid, which is a ridiculous notion, but if it does, it would be far more noticeable in a person than in a mouse." Lucius nodded in agreement.  
  
"I don't think she's under the influence of anything right now, just slightly confused, and I suppose whatever she's been using for the past time has done considerable brain damage already. She's been with me for the past few hours, and I was keeping an eye on her before that, and she didn't touch anything." He said, walking back to the girl, who had fallen silent. "May be in some emotional shock, though." he added lightly, raising his eyebrows meaningfully at Severus, who grimaced.  
  
"Do you suppose she'll take it herself if I offer it?" Severus opted.  
  
"Probably. She seems rather an illegal substance fiend."  
  
Severus took a spoonful of the stuff from the cauldron, and kneeled before the girl. Lucius grabbed her by the shoulder and gave her a little shake. "Wake up, I've got something for you," he said, loudly.  
  
The girl stirred, said "Woozy snuzzle the cardboard penguins afloatywoaty bing bing...." and her head dropped to the other side. Lucius sighed. Snape laughed softly.  
  
"Don't know how you find these types, Lucius," he said, "but congratulations on your ability for rooting them out." Lucius smirked at him.  
  
"WAKE UP!" he bellowed suddenly. The girl's eyes fluttered open.  
  
"Aaarggh." she said, gazing into the distance unsteadily. "Shut up, David, you're not even real anyway..... and I need a fix."  
  
"Here you go," said Lucius, taking the spoon from Snape and holding it right in front of her. "But don't snort it." he added hastily. "Try licking it up."  
  
"Er, yeah, sure," the girl said, bent down wobblingly, and swept it all into her mouth with her fingers, pulled a face, swallowed, and slumped back into the chair. Lucius and Severus stood staring at her in disbelief.  
  
"I simply refuse to believe anyone could be so....." Severus said.  
  
"Yes...." said Lucius blankly. "I know." There was a long, confused pause, during which neither could quite believe what had just happened. Then Lucius cleared his throat. "Ahem. Say, what do we do now? I don't think she'll be up to anything for a while."  
  
"No, you're right." said Severus, trying to tear his eyes away from the (sleeping? delirious? passed out? dead?) girl, "I suppose we can go back to bed." he said, smiling a very small smile at Lucius.  
  
"Lovely idea," Lucius said, returning his smile, while still attempting to smooth his mussed hair.  
  
"Oh, don't bother." said Severus, grinning, and they left the laboratory together.

(A/N: There we are. That was Chapter 1. I bet you're very curious to know what happens next.... Which is why this chapter is, very handily, followed by Chapter 2, in which things shall be taken further. Further, indeed...... prepare to have all your borders crossed, and every corner of your mind invaded. Thrilling, isn't it? Now go read.) 


	2. Chapter 2: Walk, Idiot, Walk

**Chapter 2: Walk, Idiot, Walk**  
  
The next morning they stood before the door to the laboratory, listening. But there came no sound from the other side.  
  
"I really hope she's not dead." Severus said, rattling his keys apprehensively.  
  
"I hope she hasn't tried to eat those mice." Lucius replied. "She seemed capable of it." Severus smirked at that, and opened the door. Eagerly, the both of them burst in, looking around for their test subject. But she was still sitting in the chair, and Severus held his breath. Soon enough, however, soft giggling sounds told them she was very much alive. They snuck over to her. "Er....." Lucius said.  
  
"I second that." Severus whispered. The girl did not even notice them, engrossed as she was in holding her fingers over her eyes, then taking them away and giggling enthusiastically.  
  
"Good morning," said Lucius, waving a hand in front of her eyes as she uncovered them. She started, gave a squeal, and then went back to what she was doing. "Gods...." Lucius said, perplexed. "Do you think she's grown mentally younger?" Severus shook his head.  
  
"No, I don't think so, the mice did not behave like young mice. Furthermore, I know a solution that does that, and it does not even resemble this. It's possible, of course..... but not likely." He said, thoughtfully, then put his hand on the girl's left arm and dragged her to her feet. She made a few protesting shrieks, then went on with her little game, while standing directly in front of the two wizards.  
  
"She can stand, anyway, so that's something." Severus said. Then he gave her a sudden push. She wobbled, walked a few paces back, and then gazed at the two confusedly. "Walk, too, normal balance. Odd."  
  
"Duuuuuuhhhh.." the girl argued. The two wizards raised their eyebrows at each other.  
  
"Exactly, my dear." Lucius said to her. "Now, what was your name again?"  
  
"Duuuuh....." the girl replied, gazing dumbly at Lucius.  
  
"You try something," Lucius said to Severus, "I don't know what to make of this." Severus thought for a few moments, then grabbed a piece of parchment and the quill, and scribbled something on it. He held it up in front of her.  
  
"Can you tell me what that says?" he asked her in his nicest voice, which in his case, was still laced with a dangerous tone.  
  
"Duuuuhhhh........hehehe." the girl said. She then took the piece of parchment, held it in front of her eyes, took it away and giggled.  
  
"This is useless." Lucius said, clasping his brow in exasperation, "Even the mice were more intelligent!"  
  
"Exactly." Severus responded, still gazing at the girl in concentration. "You know," he said, turning to Lucius with his eyes narrowed, "if I didn't know better.... I'd say she's become stupid."

-----------  
  
"I think it's a brilliant idea," Lucius said, sipping his tea. "The Dark Lord will be very pleased to hear it, I'm sure."  
  
"Good, you can go tell him." Severus said curtly, moodily stabbing his toast with his knife. "Then you can also be tortured for wasting his time with bad ideas." He glared at the girl, who was stuffing toast into her mouth with both hands and had apparently forgotten one was supposed to chew one's food, as after her mouth was completely full, she just sat staring, not doing anything. "And take her with you. She's annoying me to no end."  
  
"I'll get rid of her as soon as I can, I promise," Lucius said, looking disgusted as the girl sprayed breadcrumbs and spit all over the table. "But first we have to send an owl to Crouch and tell him to meet us somewhere so we can explain. No, wait, why don't you floo him and get him to come here? It will save us the problem of dragging _that_" he nodded at the girl, "around." Severus nodded slowly. The girl picked up a cup of tea, and lifted it above her head, tilting it.  
  
"NO, don't!" Severus shouted, waving his arms. "Accio cup!" The cup of tea shot out of her hand into his, dousing nearly everything in sight in hot tea. He put down the cup, swearing, and started to mop the tea off his hands and plate with a napkin. "And it's the good china, too." He grumbled. "Stupid house elf thinks I have proper company instead of a demented oaf." He glanced at Lucius, who was glaring at him disapprovingly. "Oh, and you, of course. I suppose you count as company."  
  
"I suppose so, yes," said Lucius in a sardonic tone. "Shall I go and take care of business? I know where the fireplace is, after all."  
  
"Go ahead," said Severus. "I'll take care of this and possibly tie that creature up before she does any more damage." He glowered at the girl, who had put a napkin on her head, for a few moments.  
  
"Duuuuhh......" she informed him. He just sighed.  
  
-------------  
  
"The question is," Lucius mused, "what we're going to do with her. She's of no use now that they've seen her. Do you suppose we could just go back and let her go?" The two wizards were looking at the now magically bound girl, who was lying on the ground gazing up at them with big, cow-like eyes. "The Ministry probably wouldn't notice, they don't know the potion, and she doesn't look like anything magical happened to her, she just looks.......stupid." Lucius continued, nudging her with his foot just for fun, even though she didn't seem to notice.  
  
"I suppose." Severus said, "What did Crouch say about it?"  
  
"He told me to 'dispose of her as we pleased', meaning he wants us to destroy the evidence." Lucius said, kicking her softly in the side, though she still did not react. "Merlin's beard, she really has gone completely daft." he said disdainfully. "Personally, though, I don't know what else to do. We could blow her to smithereens, of course, but there really isn't another way of getting rid of her that has less chance of being found out. As long as we are not seen with her, naturally."  
  
"I think you're right." Severus said, "Can you make a portkey to the place you found her?"  
  
"Sure. If you can miss something that will look inconspicuous in the Muggle world." Lucius said, giving her a last kick, which made her squeal. Snape's brow furrowed as he considered the dilemma.  
  
"How about a spoon?" he offered.  
  
---------  
  
"Severus," Lucius said as they were sitting in a tiny, blackened pub in Knockturn Alley that night, "How do you know the potion's not going to wear off, and that the person who ingested it isn't going to be back to their sense after a while? You told me you knew, so I did not question it then, but..."  
  
"It's flesh eating," Severus replied, warming his hands on his goblet of Firewhiskey. "The potion I was making that day was a batch of the same flesh eating poison that they put in the pest repellents. I make it regularly for.....political purposes. The difference with this version of it is that it does not eat flesh per se, it eats something else." He took a sip, gazing at Lucius dramatically from behind the smoke and fumes emerging from the Firewhiskey.  
  
"It eats brains??" Lucius said. Severus nodded. "Fantastic!" Lucius leant back in his seat with a smug expression on his face. "Everyone will turn permanently moronic!"  
  
"As if they aren't already." Severus huffed, making the steam from the firewhiskey whirl wildly.  
  
"Not everyone, surely?" Lucius said, leaning over to Severus.  
  
"Alright.... Severus said, smirking at him. "Everyone except me."  
  
"You'll pay for that one," Lucius said, his grey eyes fixed firmly on his.  
  
"I know." answered Severus, and a large grin spread across his face.

(A/N: Well, my dears, I hopes you enjoyed this little romp, and be sure to join us again for the next chapter, in which the Brilliant Plan is executed.....or is it? Feel the tension! Hhmm, being fondled by your readers is fun.) 


	3. Chapter 3: La Jardin Des Délices

(A/N : Well, take off all your clothes and prepare for a chapter in which Lucius is molested frequently and comes to a startling conclusion, and Severus is being his brilliant, succulent self. Who-ever said brains and beauty did not go together, was obviously one of the beautiful-but-not-very- bright variety. Anyhow, certain liberties regarding characterisation have again been taken in this chapter, though it does have a few weak attempts at political tension and being – oh, horror- serious. Or, you know, just stupid. Savour the flavour, my dears.)  
  
**Chapter 3: Le Jardin Des Délices  
**  
Just as he was inspecting a rather interesting array of human fingernails, Severus Snape was interrupted by a loud "Severus!". He looked up, slightly annoyed at being disturbed, and saw Lucius Malfoy making his way through the crowd towards him. He frowned, thinking it might be something important, if Lucius was willing to raise his voice, so he pulled his cloak around him, and joined Lucius in front of an intriguing looking bookshop.  
  
"Hello, Lucius," he said, keeping a fast pace. They walked quickly, so that none of the passers by would be able to hear anything suspicious. Not that any of the passers by would care, presumably. They were a shabby and dodgy lot, and if this street did not have the best shops in England, he supposed neither of them would have been willing to show themselves in such squalid surroundings.  
  
"It's been approved." Lucius said, "Rightly so, of course, it would make all other schemes obsolete, and is the ticket to everything we have been striving for. But, we have to think of a way....." He stopped, gazing in awe at the window display of a rather splendid old-fashioned robes shop. Severus, who had walked on, noticed he was gone, and, sighing, walked back to join him. He looked into the display, trying to see what had captured Lucius' imagination so.  
  
"Do you think I should buy a cane?" Lucius said, looking with glittering eyes at a magnificent ebony cane with a silver handle shaped like a snake's head.  
  
"Only if you want to look like a ponce." Severus replied.  
  
"Oh, come on," Lucius said, frowning at him. "Lots of important people had canes. Like er..... my father."  
  
"Exactly." said Severus raising his eyebrows meaningfully.  
  
"My father was not a ponce!" Lucius protested. He glanced at Severus, who was looking sceptical. "Well, okay.....maybe a bit of a ponce. But only a little bit." He folded his arms across his chest and turned around, still angry. A witch who was wearing at least 3 inches of cosmetics on her face passed by, gazing at him hungrily while licking suggestively at a chocolate frog. "People here are so seedy," Lucius said, looking affronted. "Really, the only reason I come here is that it has the only half-decent shops in England. "  
  
"You know," Severus said, gazing after the witch, "I think it would be a good idea if we showed ourselves more in the more respectable areas. Might make us look less like....well, less suspicious." Lucius thought about this for a few moments, cocking his head to one side.  
  
"I suppose you're right." He said, and then, pulling a disgusted face; "It's ridiculous of course that we cannot show pride of our_ way of life_ in public. When you hear what our ancestors could do....... But then...... it's only a matter of time, now." They looked at each other, eyes ablaze with secret, and walked off in the direction of Diagon Alley with their heads held high.  
  
--------------------  
  
"I must admit I'm rather glad to be out of there," Lucius said, wiping some grime off his cloak. "It's been deteriorating ever since the 60s. Nearly as bad as muggle London in places."  
  
"Reminds me," said Severus, "How is she? Did you go back to check?" He gave Lucius a cynical look. "And you were never in Knockturn Alley during the 60s."  
  
"I hear things," Lucius responded airily, "And yes, I went back this morning. She was exactly the same as before, and sitting in the same spot I left her. I suppose no-one even noticed she was gone."  
  
"Hhm. What did they say we should do next?"  
  
"Find a way of getting it into......circulation. Which is tricky. Eeuggh!" A child had bumped into Lucius' leg, and had smeared molten chocolate frog and drool all over it. Lucius bent down and pushed the child away. "Watch where you're going, worm." He hissed at it. The child looked at him with very wide eyes, apparently too scared to even cry. Lucius huffed, and they walked on. "Let's go the pub," he said, squashing another stray chocolate frog under his heel.  
  
--------  
  
They were sitting in the Leaky Cauldron, where they apparently were quite the attraction, considering the way the rest of the crowd looked at them. "You'd think they've never seen the colour black used in clothes before," Severus said, as yet another company of wide-eyed witches and wizards passed their table. Lucius just gave a disdainful snort, as he pointed his wand at his cloak and murmured "Scourcify" in a bored tone of voice.  
  
"Well, it's not as if we ever come here," he said. "Do you think it would be a good idea to put _it_ into the liquor?" Severus thought for a moment, then shook his head.  
  
"No, too many people don't drink or don't drink often enough." he said, shredding the dead flowers that were on the table, "it must be something everyone eats quite regularly." Lucius sighed.  
  
"Tough." He said, looking at the approaching waitress. "A firewhiskey please." he said to her, gazing at something other than her face. She did not notice, however, as she looked from one to the other nervously.  
  
"A...a....and you, sir?" she said to Severus, who started, as he had been lost in thought.  
  
"We'll share," he said to her. She left abruptly, walking away fast. Severus' lips thinned as he watched her go back to the counter. "You know.....I'm beginning to think we have a reputation in these parts." he sneered.  
  
"And justly so." Lucius replied, his cold eyes glinting dangerously. Within a few minutes, the waitress returned. Both wizards gazed at her steadily as she set the goblet down. She managed to murmur some amount of money to Lucius, who tossed her some coins, which she took, her hand trembling slightly, and she practically ran away again. "What a stupid cow." Lucius huffed. "Let me have some." He leant across the table to Severus, who had picked up the huge goblet, and was just about to take a sip, but now tipped it over to Lucius' lips, watching his face disappear behind the swirling fumes.  
  
"There had better not be anyone we know around here...." Severus mumbled, his black eyes narrowing. Lucius emerged from behind the smoke, licking his lips and frowning.  
  
"There won't be." he said, as Severus took the goblet and had a gulp of the burning drink, "But instead they're making me feel like a foreigner. A very exotic one, as well." Indeed, Severus noted as he looked around again that nearly everyone in the pub averted their eyes as his gaze came upon them, a telling sign that they had been looking at them. "Oh well, perhaps we should be grateful we're lighting up otherwise dull lives......" Lucius said, his face contorting into an expression of pure contempt. The effect was somewhat spoilt, however, by a chocolate frog jumping up onto his shoulder and from there to the top of his head. Lucius let out a vexed growl.  
  
"Damned things!" he started, and was about to swipe it off him, but Severus had already pointed his wand at the annoying creature, and said "Bombarda!" The frog exploded into a thousand tiny splatters of chocolate against the wall.  
  
"A waste, really." Severus said disinterestedly. "Though I don't care for the things myself."  
  
"Disgusting." was Lucius' verdict. He was looking at the splatters of chocolate with his nose wrinkled. He tried to wrestle the goblet of Firewhiskey from Severus' fingers. "I need it." He said. "I've been assaulted all day by armies of chocolate frogs." He looked sideways, to see they were once again the centre of attention. "What are you looking at?" he snarled at them.  
  
-----------  
  
They were walking back, faces distinctly flustered, arms entwined. The sky was now overcast, and it was beginning to rain slightly.  
  
"Severus, it's raining." Lucius said, rather unnecessarily.  
  
"I know it is, now stop tugging on my arm like that, we need to get home and you're going to make me stumble." Severus grumbled. They were just passing Honeydukes, when a wizard carrying a large box of something came out of the door, and promptly slipped on the slippery cobbles.  
  
"Oh no!" he yelled, and fell over, dropping the box, which fell apart, causing a flood of chocolate frogs to collide with none other than Lucius Malfoy, who was nearly stomping with rage when he noticed.  
  
"Not again!" he exclaimed, crushing every frog he saw under his feet. "I've had enough of those things! They have it in for me! All of them!"  
  
"They're still in their packaging, Lucius," Severus pointed out.  
  
"I don't care!" Lucius said, turning pink. People in the street had begun to gather the other frogs quickly, before Lucius could step on them.  
  
"Those were my stock, I demand you pay for them before you destroy them!" the wizard who had been carrying the frogs said. Lucius turned around to give a rather disrespectful rebuke, when he felt Severus tug on his shoulder.  
  
"What??!!" he snarled at him.  
  
"I've just had an idea...." Severus said, staring in awe at a chocolate frog he'd just picked up. Lucius looked at him, still panting from his tantrum, trying to figure out what on earth Severus was on about. He looked from Severus, to the chocolate frogs, to Severus, to the chocolate frogs, to Severus, who was making odd hinting movements with his eyebrows, to the chocolate frogs..... Then his eyes lighted up with malice when he realised what Severus was talking about. He threw himself onto his friend and gave him a crushing hug.  
  
"You're brilliant." he sighed contently, picturing blissfully in his mind all the lives they were going to ruin.

(A/N: Now that was what I call intellectual stimulation. Or any kind of stimulation, really. In chapter the next, there shall be a lot less talk and a lot more action. Oh yes, I know what you're thinking, perverted reader, and I like it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have Chardonnay, cheese, and an Evelyn Waugh novel waiting for me, so I am afraid that, however much it grieves me, I shall have to leave the comforting glow of your company now. Yours devotedly, The Duchess.) 


	4. Chapter 4: Look, Ma, We're On Top Of The...

(A/N: This chapter is dedicated to the beautiful Chronographia, who celebrates her birthday today. Yay, my dear! It's a rather odd chapter, admittedly, light-hearted but full of action, frivolous yet slightly serious. Much like this story really, which, contrary to what someone said, is not 'random' at all. In fact, like all my stories, it has been meticulously planned and mapped out, and hopefully is not as annoying and ridiculous as what a lot of writers optimistically call 'humour'. I do not just write down whatever comes up in my (possibly substance addled) brain, I know exactly what I am doing. Absurdity such as this does not come naturally, and certainly not by chance. I hope to have sufficiently explained myself, and that this story does not come across as 'random' to anyone, because that was certainly not what I set out to do. Thank you for your time and attention.)

**Chapter 4: Look, Ma, We're On Top Of The World!**

"Hello," said Lucius Malfoy to the wizard who guarded the entrance to the Chocolate Frog factory, giving him his most winning smile, "Do you, by any chance, give tours of the factory?" The wizard, who was looking bored, shifted in his seat and leant over to Lucius.

"A tour?" he said, scratching his balding head.

"Yes, a tour," Lucius said, grinning down frantically. "You know, one of those things where...." The wizard cleared his throat noisily.

"Yes, yes, I know what you mean," he interrupted, earning an outraged glare from Lucius. "Question is, though, do we give them?" He scratched his ear, coughed, spat on the floor and blew his nose in a disgusting looking handkerchief, while staring blankly ahead. Lucius was taking deep, cleansing breaths to help him stay calm, while behind him Severus was practically fuming.

"Yes, that_ is _the question," Lucius said, in a falsely pleasant voice. "And what's the answer?" He raised his eyebrows at the wizard, who was looking at him with a spiteful look in his eyes.

"Course we give tours." He said curtly. "For you gents, though, it'll be a couple of Gallons." He held out his hand. Lucius sighed, and reached into his purse.

"Well, thankfully, I have plenty of those," he said to the wizard, smiling warmly. The wizard glared back at him angrily, as he poured an entire handful of gold into his grimy palm.

"Oi, Alphonse!" He shouted through the door that was ajar behind him, "You got some visitors!" Soon, the large entrance door next to the grimy wizard's cubicle swung open, and a handsome dark-haired young wizard smiled welcomingly at Lucius and Severus.

"Hello," he said, shaking hands with both, "Alphonse Tournier, assistant manager of this factory. Delighted to meet you, Mr Malfoy, and you, Mr Snape." He flashed dazzling white teeth at them.

"Er, hello," Lucius said, slightly puzzled. He looked at Severus, whose eyes were narrowed in suspicion. "Might I inquire how you have come to know our names?" Lucius added.

"Oh, is there a witch or wizard in this country who doesn't?" Alphonse said, still smiling widely. Severus frowned. Lucius coughed embarrassedly.

"Er, quite," he said, at a loss. "Shall we start the tour now?"

"Oh yes, of course, of course," Alphonse said, guiding them inside. The grimy guard wizard was surveying the scene with a disgusting expression on his face.

"Bloody poofy Frog," he said, spitting at the floor.

------------------

"Well, that was useful," Lucius said, as they were hurrying through the streets of Hogsmeade.

"Very useful," Severus added sarcastically, "especially when he tried to show me the interior of the broom cupboard."

"Oh, now, really," Lucius said, "He really wasn't that bad, you know." He flashed a malicious grin at Severus. "Maybe if we....well, _you _bribe him, he'll do it for us."

"Please, no," Severus groaned. "persuading him to explain the wards on the building to me was traumatising enough. But at least they're simple, and not too numerous, and I can easily adapt that spell He taught me on how to weaken wards to them. Though the both of us may have to do it at the same time to make them weak enough, due to the size of the building."

"Well, I'm sure I can learn, charms always was my best subject," Lucius said, grinning, and nudging Severus. "I love bad puns, don't you?"

"You're ridiculous, Lucius," Severus said, but the corners of his mouth were twitching as though he was fighting back a smile.

----------------

It was 2 o clock in the morning, and two figures, clad entirely in black, were sneaking around in the deserted chocolate frog factory. They were both carrying a medium sized cauldron with a lid on it, and their faces were covered with black balaclavas.

"Was it the left or the right door?" The tallest one asked. "I can't remember because I was distracted by the man's hand." He shuddered at the memory. The other one, who was slightly shorter, was tugging at his balaclava.

"I don't know, I can't see anything through this thing," he said. "And it itches, too." He stopped trying to adjust it, and looked through one eye hole, the other being situated on his forehead. "I'm fairly sure it was the right one," he then said, and continued to tug his headgear into place. Severus, because that's who the tallest of the two was, of course, quietly snuck up to the door, and whispered "_Alohamora_!" The door remained closed. Cursing to himself, he just swung the cauldron against the doorknob, which broke, and pushed the door open.

"Come on!" He whispered to the swaggering Lucius, who was having trouble with his balaclava.

"Yes, yes, hold your horses," Lucius said, irritably. "You're the one who made me wear this ridiculous contraption in the first place."

"It's for your own good!" Severus hissed, pulling Lucius through the doorway by his collar. Then he pulled his balaclava into place. "Honestly, Lucius." He grumbled. "Now come on." He stalked off into the darkness, only the tip of his wand alight.

"Thanks," Lucius muttered, looking around by the light his wand spread, "It looks a lot bigger than when we were here last."

"Must be the darkness," Severus said, from a few feet away, his voice echoing dramatically in the enormous hall. He was standing near a large metal vat, trying to make out what was written on it. "Cocoa," he read aloud. "Not the right one. What's on yours?"

"Er......Sugar. This is this one we need." Lucius said. He climbed the few steps that led to the top of the vat, and looked down. Then he took the lid off the cauldron, dumped the contents on top of the sugar, and stirred it a little from a distance with the huge wooden stirring pole that hung on the side of the vat. "There we go." He said, and apparated to the floor. "That was _not_ unnecessary, if I climb down those steps in these robes, I'll step on them and fall." He said deftly to Severus who was glaring at him in disapproval.

"Just try not to do that anymore, as little apparating as possible, it will make us easier to detect and disturb the wards." Severus said, and started to cross the hall to another door on the north side. "We need to put the rest in the ready made chocolate." He bashed the door open again, making a mental note of having Lucius repair them when they left- he was better at those sort of spells. They rushed into the chocolate lab, where there was a huge rack with chocolate frogs in moulds on one side, and tubs of left over chocolate from the day on the other. The left over chocolate was simmering ever so quietly on magical blue fire, just enough for it to stay liquid.

They stalked over to the tubs and divided the contents of the second cauldron over them. It caused a very short flash of eery pink light, and then the chocolate returned to its normal state. "Right, let's get out of here," Severus said, and swept off. "Don't forget to repair the doorknobs."

"Consider it done," replied Lucius, following Severus in a flurry of black robe. Within minutes they were back outside, and could lift the spell on the building's wards. "Ha! We've done it!" Lucius declared contently. He pulled the balaclava from his head, shaking loose his blonde hair. "Finally. Let's go to my house and celebrate." He pulled Severus' balaclava off, too. "You really should do something about your hair, you know," he said, pulling his fingers through Severus' stubbornly greasy hair. "It's a mess."

"I, unlike you, have more important things to do than worrying about my hair," Severus replied, "such as planning the ruination of the wizarding world." He turned and wandered off, gazing up at the starry sky. "We'll probably have to do this another few times, if we want nearly everyone to consume the stuff." He said, still gazing up.

"Yes, well, it was easy enough. Didn't even have to kill anybody." Lucius said, approaching him. "Come on, let's go home. We've earned a party."

"Yes...yes, a party." Severus said, distractedly. He sighed, putting some stray strands of hair into place. Then he turned around, grabbed Lucius' hands, and they disapparated.

(A/N: Well, that was Chapter 4. Hope it made sense. In the next chapter, the Great Plot Twist shall make its proud arrival. Oh, my back is nearly breaking under the strain. It may take a while to take solid form, as it is my birthday next week, and it is also a rather complex chapter. But wait patiently and longingly, dear reader, it will appear. Sincerely, The Duchess.)


	5. Chapter 5: I Could Never Get The Hang Of...

(A/N: Last Chapter. I am certain readers everywhere will weep at that news. Well, gentle readers, a rather tense chapter, this, not such a bright note to end upon, I know, but it does work. Or so I hope. So here we go, into eternity!)

**Chapter 5: I Could Never Get The Hang Of Ideology**

****

It was morning, and light gold sunlight was streaming through the high gothic windows of the breakfast room, making the dark brown and green room look as peaceful as a forest floor. Lucius was sitting on the windowsill, sipping coffee. He looked especially content and the features of his face seemed softer than usual, nearly pretty.

Severus, on the other hand, sat at the table, staring intently into the distance, chewing his eggs Benedict. "How moody you're being," Lucius said pleasantly. "while we've just changed the world." He nearly glowed with complacency.

"Yes....changed the world.." Severus said, glowering down at his food.

"Somehow you don't sound too pleased," Lucius sneered. "It was your idea, you know."

"I know." Severus said. He sighed. "I think I'll be off, actually." He stood up, throwing his napkin onto the table. Lucius snorted.

"I'd say you'd gotten out the wrong side of the bed this morning, but I won't, because firstly I was there and I know you didn't, and secondly, this is your usual mood. I just don't see how you can't be exultant at our success. But by all means, go if you must." He said, still looking out the window. "Go invent some more potions to take over the world with." He smirked at Severus, who grimaced back.

"You're hilarious." He said, taking his cloak from the house elf and pulling it on. "I don't know why I should go around skipping and picking flowers just because I've made sure everyone in the country is going to have their brains eaten. I suppose I just don't go for such simple pleasures as much as you do." Lucius laughed.

"Goodbye Severus," he said. "you little bundle of joy." Severus waved in greeting once, and then disapparated. "Is it just me, or has Severus rather lost his motivation?" Lucius said to the house elf. "That was a rhetorical question, by the by, so don't bore me with your answer. If he keeps that up, I might have to check up on him and see that he doesn't do anything.....stupid. Remind me of that." The house-elf nodded, and scuttled away.

----------------

Severus arrived in his home, which was considerably smaller than Malfoy Manor, feeling rather empty. It was a damp day, and in his house, a limestone cottage, it was too cold and moist to want to do anything, so he lit a fire, and called the house-elf for a cup of tea. It was an old and ragged creature, left over from better times, just like everything else in the house. He slid down into a worn, ancient chair, and watched the fire for a while, pondering the last few days. Now that everything was done, and irrevocable, he did not know whether he really agreed with it all.

Not that he doubted his cause, of course he did not. His nature was not so fickle. What he was not sure about, was the means. Maybe it was the Ravenclaw in him, but something about everyone turning completely stupid made him feel........uncomfortable, and, had he been a different man, perhaps even nervous. He could not tell why, so he dismissed the feeling as silly and sought to forget about it with a cup of tea and a nice, illegal book.

--------------

He was walking around Hogsmeade, looking at window displays, and it was an agreeable time, until he suddenly noticed who was walking in front of him. He recognised the smallish, slim posture, the messy black hair, the arrogant posture...... and as the person turned around, he nearly winced at the sight of James Potter.

But, rather different from what he had expected, James did not say anything to him, his eyes did not take on that annoying pleased look he remembered, he just stared. "Potter," Severus said, tilting his head back a bit, warily. James, though, did not say anything, he stood there, staring dumbly. Shrugging, Severus turned away, to pass him by, only to bump into someone. "Watch where you're....." he began to snarl, when he saw it was James Potter. Drool was dripping from the corner of his mouth, Severus noted disgustedly. "Potter!" he said, "You were....." He glanced behind him, and saw that the first James was still standing there. In fact, right behind him was standing another James Potter, and next to that one, yet another James......

Severus shook his head in confusion, and turned back to the second James, only to see that flanking him were two new Jameses, looking at him, their eyes also glazed over. Beginning to feel slightly threatened, he pushed through the three Jameses, and wanted to storm away, only to bump into more James Potters. Feeling very much like he wanted to scream, he opened his eyes and woke up.

He immediately flew out of his seat, looking around feverishly for any sign of danger- or James Potter. But the living room was empty. He stalked around, but every single room and hall was empty, as were the gardens. Growling with frustrated tension, he sat back down again, realising that the horrific scene he had just lived through had been entirely imaginary. He started at the sound of footsteps behind him, and he flew up, his wand ready.

In the hall, a miniature James Potter was standing, looking up at him morosely. He blinked in surprise, and gone was the bespectacled visage. In its place stood his panic-stricken house elf, looking like it very much wanted to run away. "It's alright, Dippy, you can go." he sighed. The elf disappeared in a flash. Severus leant on his armchair for a moment, before deciding he needed some fresh air, and stepped outside to disapparate.

He was already feeling better when he was walking leisurely through a field just outside Hogsmeade. The sky was slate grey, the air cool but not cold; perfect spring weather as far as Severus was concerned. He glided along, unconcerned, gazing ahead at the pair that was walking a short distance away from him, in the opposite direction. Only when they were about to pass each other by, though, did he notice who they were.

He had to keep himself from shrieking at the sight of James Potter, and promptly disapparated.

------------

Having composed himself under a large, too friendly oak tree that for some reason kept asking him why he was so nervous, even though he wasn't nervous at all, damn that nosy piece of vegetation, he made a decision. So he slowly arose, absent-mindedly shaking the leaves and a bowtruckle from his cloak, and he was on his way.

Very determinedly he made his way through the all too familiar hallways of Hogwarts castle. Very determinedly he suppressed the still very fresh memories, as he darkened the halls with his robes and cloak that fluttered out behind him. The few students that were around, scuttled out of his way in fear. Very determinedly he strode up to Dumbledore's office, and very determinedly he stood there, remembering that he needed a password to enter.

He was just very determinedly threatening the gargoyle statue, when suddenly the door opened, and out came Dumbledore. "Hello Severus," he said. "I understand you want a word?" Severus just nodded in reply, noticing the foreboding, shadowy dark blue of the Headmaster's eyes as he looked into them. But the old wizard smiled a tiny smile and strode back into his office. "Come in." he said, and Severus followed.

Dumbledore sat down, and bad Severus to do likewise with a gesture of his hand. For a moment, they just sat there, a slight tension in the air. It was evident that Dumbledore was expecting Severus to begin the conversation. He swore to himself. Anything to make things as difficult as possible for him. He swept some hair from his face, and began.

"The past few days, I have been involved in a rather delicate secret operation. One that shall affect the lives of everyone in our world deeply. One that shall change everything." He said. His eyes were a cold, determined and calculatedly expressionless black as he spoke. "I have discovered a solution that eats away at the brain of who-ever is foolish enough to consume it, and it had been carefully integrated into a substance that nearly everyone is likely to eat within the next few weeks. It has not been distributed yet, and no-one is likely to have been affected yet." Dumbledore sat with eyebrows raised.

"What kind of substance is this we are talking about?" he asked. Severus snorted. It was going to sound idiotic.

"I put it in chocolate frogs." He said, smirking. Dumbledore smiled weakly.

"A clever plan." he said. "A clever plan. And what is going to happen once this has been spread among the populous?"

"Everyone will lose all mental capacities and turn into a kind of human vegetables." Severus answered. "The effects in the eventual long run have not been investigated, since the plan was to not let there _be_ a long run." Dumbledore, catching the suggestion, shook his head. He looked rather appalled.

"And they have not been distributed yet?" he said. Severus shook his head. "When will they be?"

"Within the next few days."

"A wicked scheme, indeed, Severus." Dumbledore looked down at his hands. "And why exactly are you telling me this?"

"I don't want it to happen." Severus said, firmly. "It plagues me."

"What plagues you about it?" Dumbledore gave him a fierce glare, and Severus leant back, smirking wryly. Of course Dumbledore would know he had no morals and that it wasn't the suffering or death or politics that bothered him. A good thing he had been planning to tell him the truth.

"Frankly, I cannot stand the thought of everyone turning even more stupid than they are already." he said, returning the old wizard's gaze. "I have seen what it does to its victims. It's highly annoying. A nation of James Potters, that is what plagues me." Dumbledore frowned.

"You do him no justice, Severus." he said. "But I am glad you have told me the truth." He was silent for a moment, looking still in Severus' eyes. He could feel his memories very faintly flitting around his mind, as they were scrutinised by the other's ancient mind. But he trusted him, and cared for the moment only for gaining his trust in return. Finally, Dumbledore broke eye contact, and cleared his throat.

"And what are you willing to do to stop this from happening?" he asked.

"Anything." Severus replied. Dumbledore nodded.

It was agreed.

(A/N: And that was the true story of Snape's desertion. Honestly. Completely true. He told it to me himself at a Demoralists Anonymous meeting which happened to take place in my shed. Get ready for the next ride, dear readers, for an even more absurd story, with an even fainter semblance of a plot, shall be arriving to an author's profile near you soon. Feel free to show me how much you like my creations by skinning parts of yourself and sending me the hides. I need them to refurbish my sofa. Fondle you soon, dear reader, and stay wicked. Sincerely, The Duchess)


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